


Stuck Between Right & Easy

by marleywrites



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, F/F, F/M, M/M, i'll add specific tags when they start coming out, will b very queer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4980436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marleywrites/pseuds/marleywrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isabelle is a perfect pureblood daughter. She does everything she's told and believes everything her father does. But then, just before she starts her first year at Hogwarts, Sirius makes a new friend and Isabelle discovers that maybe her father doesn't know everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted at ff.net under the name indie-writes-stuff. rated teen for language.
> 
> Harry Potter and co don't belong to me, if they did everyone would be queer, blah blah blah, you know the drill.

"But _Daddy_..."

"Your mother went there, she would have loved to see her only daughter go as well."

"I would _love_ to go to Beauxbaxtons, honestly Daddy, but I would be _so_ lonely there! I'd probably be the only British girl in the entire school. Everyone would laugh at me!" I let a tear roll down my cheek. Daddy would surely cave now. "And besides, you've always said I'd make a good Slytherin, why not find out for sure?"

"All right, I guess you do make a good point. You know Isabelle, you would make a fine lawyer someday. I'm finding it harder everyday to win an argument against you." Daddy said affectionately.

"Oh thank you Daddy, thank you so much!" I squealed as I planted a kiss on his cheek.

"You're welcome, Darling. Now go on then, I know you're dying to owl Amelia." He said, shooing me out of the room.

\- - -

_Dear Amelia,_

_Guess what? Daddy's letting me go to Hogwarts! I'm so glad, I wouldn't have lasted a day at Beauxbaxtons. I swear I would have absolutely died of loneliness. I don't know how those mudbloods do it, honestly. Never having even heard of Hogwarts before, and then having to go there, and not knowing a single soul on top of it all. That's why I've always said it's so much better being a Pureblood._

_Yes, I know what you're thinking, Amelia, my mother would have wanted me to go to Beauxbaxtons, but she would have wanted me to be happy as well, don't you think?_

_Well, I'd best be off then, dinner will be ready soon. Before I forget, do you want to meet up in Diagon Alley tomorrow at 10 AM to go school shopping?_

_Reply as soon as you can, so I can let Daddy know._

_Love,_

_Isabelle_

\- - -

"Aspen, come here boy, I've got a job for you!"

My small, brown, tawny owl swooped down from his perch on my vanity mirror and landed gracefully beside me, sticking out his leg so I could attach the letter.

I tied the letter to his leg and told him to go straight there and not come back until he had an answer from her. I watched as he shot out my window and flew away towards my friend's house.

"Isabelle! Dinner!"

"Coming!"

\- - -

When I returned from dinner, Aspen was sitting on my desk, waiting for me. I untied Amelia's letter from his leg and sat down to read it.

_Dear Isabelle,_

_That's great! I totally agree with you. And I would love to come tomorrow! See you then!_

_Love,_

_Amelia_

_P.S. Sorry this is short, but I wanted to get it off ASAP._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i started writing this two years ago i was a much different (read: less gay) person and everyone was cishet as they come. now, two years later, i am much more queer and therefore this story will b a lot more queer. luckily they've had less than 24 hours at school so far and there is plenty of time to make them hella queer. i already know a lot of what ppl are gonna be but i don't want to give it away as it comes up much later i think, but i will add identities in the tags when they start coming out. so um yeah, just know that it wILL HAPPEN. EVENTUALLY.
> 
> also i promise the quality of writing improves over time. i was 16 when i started this. give past me a break.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up early the next morning, excited about the Diagon Alley trip. I looked at my alarm clock and realized that it was only 8 AM. I still had two hours until I had to leave for Diagon Alley! I decided to go get some breakfast.

We have house-elves that work only in the kitchens, so we can order anything we want for breakfast and lunch (dinner is always planned, because it takes longer to prepare). I sat down at the counter and ordered waffles with fruit.

After I finished eating, I went upstairs to get dressed. During the summer Amelia and I almost always wore muggle clothing, even when going to wizard-only places, because they were _so_ much cooler than the heavy, dark wizard robes.

I rifled through my closet, pulling out various things and examining them in the mirror, before finally deciding on black leggings and a long, purple tank top that sparkled on the bottom. I slipped on a pair of purple flats and put my hair up in a ponytail. I looked at my alarm clock and realized that I only had five minutes until 10 'o clock. I grabbed my brown leather bag and went downstairs to find a house-elf.

When I entered the front hall, I saw Mindy, my favorite house-elf, cleaning the windows.

"Hey, Mindy, can you take me Diagon Alley?" I asked.

"Of course, Mistress Isabelle!" Mindy squeaked, dropping her rag and rushing over to me.

"I've told you a hundred times, Mindy, you can stop calling me that, Isabelle is just fine!" I said exasperatingly.

"Of course, Mis- Isabelle." Mindy replied as she took my hand. "Hold on tight!"

I blinked my eyes and gasped for air. I had been apparating with house-elves for years, but I still wasn't used to the sensation of being pulled through a tube.

"I'll call for you later to take me home, alright?" I told Mindy.

"Okay!" Said Mindy, and with another loud crack, she was gone.

I looked around for Amelia, and soon spotted her outside Madam Milkin's, looking at the new dress robe styles from France that were being displayed in the window.

"Amelia!" I called as I ran over to her.

"Isabelle!" She exclaimed, pulling me into a hug. "I'm _so_ excited you're coming to Hogwarts with me! How did you convince your dad?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Acted like I'd love to go to Beauxbaxtons but I'd be miserable if I did, fake-cried a little, the works. He can never resist the crying." I replied, laughing.

Amelia laughed too, as we joined arms and went in to the shop to try on robes.

\- - -

"...And then I said, 'But _Daddy!_ You don't understand! I would positively _die_ of loneliness there!' And that's when the fake crying started." I said, laughing. Amelia and I were sitting at a table outside Florean Forte's Ice Cream Parlor eating chocolate cones with sprinkles while I told Amelia the, um, slightly _embellished_ version of my argument with Daddy last night.

"You are _brilliant_ Isabelle!" Amelia exclaimed, laughing so hard she was clutching her stomach.

"I kn- Hey! Sirius!" I called, spotting him walking over to us. "Who's that with him?" I whispered to Amelia.

"I don't know." She whispered back, looking at the strange boy approaching.

As they got closer, I saw that the boy had messy black hair that looked as if he'd never brushed it in his life. He had blue eyes and wore rectangular glasses. His smile was lopsided, just like Sirius's.

"Hey guys!" Sirius said, smiling. He pulled out a chair and sat down. The boy did the same. "This is James Potter."

We both said hey and I asked Sirius where they'd been. He said they'd just come from Eyelop's.

"Oh, did you buy an owl?" I wondered. He had been wanting one for years, but his parents just told him to use the family one every time he asked.

"No, my parents still won't get me one." He sighed. "That's the first thing I'm buying, soon as I get some money."

"And where exactly do you plan on getting this money from?" I asked, smiling.

"Thought I'd rob Gringotts." Sirius replied causally, leaning back in his seat.

We all laughed, and continued taking. James turned out to be just like Sirius: funny, cocky, and full of pranks. He gave us thrilling accounts of all the pranks he had pulled on his cousins at family parties. We talked and laughed for hours.

Eventually, Amelia decided she'd better head home. We said our goodbyes and I called for Mindy to apparate me home.

\- - -

Later that night, I was reading in bed when Daddy came in.

"How was your day, sweetie?" He asked, sitting down on the end of my bed.

"Oh, it was lovely Daddy!" I exclaimed, dropping my book. "Sirius was there! He had a friend with him, James, I think? James Potter."

"James _Potter_?" Daddy echoed.

"Yes.." I was puzzled by his tone. He sounded... angry. And shocked.

"I don't think you should be talking to him, Darling." Daddy said slowly.

"But why not?" I wondered. "He seemed quite nice."

"Because he's a blood traitor." Daddy said in a harsh tone.

"A _blood traitor?_ " I was shocked. I never knew blood traitors could be so... so _nice_. Especially to Purebloods.

"Yes."

"Oh. Okay Daddy." He kissed me on the forehead, then left the room, telling me to get some sleep.

I got up and pulled on my pajamas. As I got ready for bed, I thought about what Daddy had told me. It just didn't make _sense!_ The Blacks' are one of the most respected Pureblood families around, and they're big supporters of The Dark Lord, whoever he is. I haven't heard a lot about him, but from what I can weasel out of Daddy, he wants to eradicate mudbloods. Which is fine by me, Daddy says they're disgusting. But I still can't understand how Sirius's parents would be okay with this friendship, unless they don't know about it...

\- - -

_Sirius, why are you friends with a blood traitor?_

_Love, Isabelle_

\- - -

_Sirius? Hello? Why did Aspen come back empty-clawed?_

\- - -

_Sirius! Stop avoiding my owls!_

\- - -

_You can't avoid me forever Sirius!_

\- - -

_Fine. Be that way. But I will get an answer out of you eventually._

\- - -

I dropped into bed, frustrated. I wanted to bug Sirius all night until I got an answer out of him, but I was exhausted from the shopping trip and didn't particularly like the idea of staying up all night. I decided to bug him tomorrow instead.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, I pestered Sirius nonstop. I sent him letter after letter, begging him to talk to me. By lunchtime I  
realized that he was probably just throwing all the letters away, so I told Aspen to peck Sirius incessantly until he wrote back. A few minutes later, I _finally_ got an answer from him.

\- - -

_Isabelle_

_Yes, I'm friends with a blood traitor. My parents don't know, so I'd appreciate if you'd keep this quiet, okay?_

_Are you happy now?!_

_-Sirius_

\- - -

_Dear Sirius,_

_Finally!_

_And no, I'm not happy now. Why the bloody hell are you friends with a blood traitor?! And I will tell your parents if I don't get answers._

_Love,_

_Isabelle_

\- - -

_Isabelle,_

_Because I don't bloody care about all that purebloods-are-better and blood-traitors/muggle-borns-are-disgusting rubbish. Again, don't you dare tell my family or I'll never talk to you ever again as long as I live._

_-Sirius_

\- - -

I stared at Sirius's letter in shock. Not care... I wanted so badly to tell his parents about this because surely they’d knock some sense into him, but I couldn’t; he'd stop talking to me. Sirius had been my friend since birth, I couldn't lose that.

\- - -

_Dear Sirius,_

_I need to talk to you on the train tomorrow. And don't you dare try and avoid me Sirius Orion Black._

_Love,_

_Isabelle_

\- - -

I decided to start packing, as I was leaving for Hogwarts tomorrow and I didn't want to be rushed in the morning.

I quickly got all my clothes packed and started on my books and other things I had bought in Diagon Alley. Soon, all I had left was my wand. I picked it up and twirled the smooth wood between my fingers. I thought about when I had first held my wand in Ollivander's shop. It was the seventh wand I had tried and I was feeling a bit impatient...

_"Here, try this one." Ollivander said, holding the wand out to me, "13 inches, slightly yielding, Cedar wood with a Unicorn Hair core."_

_I reached for it, and as soon as I picked up the long wand, I felt an incredible sensation. I felt warm, safe, and loved, and I thought I could smell cookies baking._

_I looked up and saw Ollivander looking at me with a huge grin on his face. "That's the one!" He exclaimed, taking the wand back and putting it in a black box. "Here you are." He said, handing me the box._

_I took it and watched him scurry around the shop again, looking for the perfect wand for Annabelle._

\- - -

"Isabelle! Mindy is ready to take you!" Daddy called up the stairs.

"Coming, Daddy!" I yelled back, and rushed to shove my last-minute things in my trunk. I snatched it up and dragged it down the stairs, where Mindy was waiting patiently for me. I grabbed her hand and held on tight as we disappeared with a loud crack.

\- - -

With another crack, we reappeared on the hidden platform in King's Cross Station. My eyes grew wide as I took in the crowd of people, rushing around, either sending off children or getting on the bright red train themselves.

I heard a shout of "Isabelle!" and turned toward the sound. Amelia was weaving through the crowd towards me. "Can you believe it, Isabelle?! We're finally going to Hogwarts!" Amelia exclaimed, excited.

"I know!" I replied. "I can't believe it either!"

"Hello, Isabelle."

I looked up to see Amelia's parents walking towards us. "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Parkinson." I said.

"Where is your father, dear?" Amelia's mum asked.

"He- he had to work. A house-elf brought me." I explained.

"Oh. Well, have fun you two! We'll see you at Christmas, Amelia." They hugged her and walked away. Amelia and I grabbed our stuff and hopped on the train to find a compartment.

\- - -

I slowly opened my eyes and sat up. The sun was shining directly through the compartment window, as it was now late afternoon. I looked over at the seat across from me and saw that Amelia was still asleep. I decided to go find Sirius. Hopefully that blood-traitor _wouldn't_ be with him.

I walked up and down the aisles, looking for Sirius. Finally I saw him coming out of a compartment at the other end of the train car.

"Hey! Sirius! Wait up!" I called down the aisle, walking towards him.

He looked up, and noticing the determined expression on my face, sighed. "Come to scold me, Milani?"

I grabbed his arm, saying, "Compartment. Now." and dragged him down the aisle. Spotting an empty compartment, I shoved him inside and locked the door.

"What do you bloody _mean_ you don't think purebloods are better?!" I shouted, turning to face him. I expected to see a look of defiance, but instead he looked resigned, like he had known this was going to happen. I also saw a bit of... fear? Was the amazing Sirius Black, greatest prankster of all time, actually _scared?_ Of being _yelled at?!_

"Look, Isabelle, I'm not going to sit here and argue about this, because that's going to get us nowhere. If you don't want to speak to me ever again, then... fine. That's your choice, I guess." Sirius replied calmly. His face fell a little at the last bit, as if he didn't particularly like the idea of us never speaking to each other again.

I stood there gaping at him in shock. I had expected yelling, and screaming, and probably one of us storming out on the other. I had been prepared to argue about this for days, possibly weeks. But that hadn't happened, none of it. Sirius had ended the argument practically before it had begun. I didn't know what to do.

"That's it? No yelling? No screaming? Just, 'Take it or leave it, but I'm not arguing'?!" I asked, struggling to keep my voice calm, as I was beginning to panic.

"That's it. Let me know if you decide you're still speaking to me." He replied, unlocking the door and leaving the compartment.

I sat down and put my head in my hands, thinking over what Sirius had just said. I decided this wasn't over, not by a long shot, and ran out the door. I quickly caught up with him and dragged him back inside the compartment.

"That was rather quick, don't you think? I expected you to stop talking to me for at least a week." Sirius joked, grinning.

"Stop joking, Sirius! Will you _please_ live up to your name for once?!" I exclaimed, exasperated.

"Fine, what do you want, anyway? Not going to yell at me some more, are you?" The grin disappeared.

"No. What I want to know is _why?_ "

"Why what?"

"Why don't you think purebloods are better?"

"Well, why do you?"

I looked at him in astonishment. "Because we _are!_ Our parents and grandparents are wizards! There's no filthy muggle blood in our veins!" I practically shouted.

"But think about it," Sirius began, "What difference does that make? Are purebloods any better wizards than muggle-borns?"

"Well... I... I guess not." I admitted.

"See, there you go. That's why." And with that, Sirius stood up, unlocked the door, and left.


	4. Chapter 4

I sat for a long time in that compartment, thinking over what Sirius had said. Honestly, he did have a point. And besides, how would I know? I'd never talked to a muggle-born, I'd hardly even _seen_ them, Daddy forbid me to have anything to do with them.

I guess the real question was, who did I trust more: Sirius or Daddy? Sirius had been my best friend since birth, he was almost a brother to me. But Daddy was... well, Daddy. Even though we weren't as close as most fathers and daughters, deep down, I did love him. I mean, he is my father after all.

I looked out the window and realized that it was already starting to grow dark, and decided to go find Amelia. I got up and left the compartment, heading back towards the one I had left her in. Funny, how long ago that seemed.

\- - -

"Isabelle! There you are! Where've you been?"

I walked into the compartment and sat down, leaning against the wall. "With Sirius." I replied.

"Oh. You've been gone an awful long time. We must be nearly there by now, I'm so excited!" Amelia exclaimed, grinning.

A split second after the words left her mouth, the train lurched to a stop in Hogsmeade Station. Amelia looked at me, eyes wide in excitement. She jumped up to grab her stuff and hurried out of the compartment, with me following right behind her.

\- - -

"Andalucci, Madeline!"

A small, brown-haired girl walked up to the stool and put the Sorting Hat on her head. "GRYFFINDOR!" It called out. The Gryffindors cheered as she hurried over to them, head down, blushing.

More first-years were sorted as I stood in line, still thinking about what Sirius had said on the train.

"Potter, James!"

It was Sirius's friend. He wasn't on the stool very long. Soon, the Hat was shouting, "GRYFFINDOR!" and he was on his way.

I liked James, he seemed perfectly normal to me, and he thought muggle-borns were alright. Sirius trusted him too, and Sirius was very picky about who he trusted.

"Black, Sirius!"

Oh, it was Sirius's turn. He walked up to the stool, flicking his long, dark hair out of his face. The hat took a bit longer on him than James, but not too much longer. "GRYFFINDOR!" The Hat called out.

Honestly, I can't say I was shocked.

"Parkinson, Amelia!"

The Hat had barely touched her head when it shouted out, "SLYTHERIN!"

I wasn't surprised at all by Amelia's sorting, but now I was stuck in the middle. On one hand, I wanted to be with Sirius and James, but on the other, I didn't want to leave Amelia. That had been the whole reason I had gone to Hogwarts and not Beauxbaxtons in the first place, so that I wouldn't have to leave Amelia. I had also come to prove to Daddy that I would make a good Slytherin, but I couldn't help thinking, what if I wouldn't?

What if I wasn't meant to be a Slytherin at all?

And then, it was my turn.

"Milani, Isabelle!"

I slowly walked up to the stool and, pushing my strawberry-blonde hair behind my ear, I placed the Sorting Hat on my head.

 _'Ahhh... very interesting character we have here. Very manipulative when you want to be, and a need for control as well, you could be a Slytherin...'_ The Hat muttered in my ear.

 _'But I don't know if I_ want _to be a Slytherin!'_ I thought.

_'Well then, that's a problem, isn't it? You see, most Slytherins wanted to be in their house, it is a great honor to be sorted there. But I can tell you aren't sure?'_

_'No.'_

_'What about Gryffindor, then? I can see you are also very loyal, and you've been very brave, considering. How you've managed to hide that from your friends and still act as if everything's fine...'_

_'I- I don't know...'_ I wasn't surprised that the Hat knew about my... problem. _'My dad... he'll be so disappointed...'_ I looked up towards the Gryffindor table, and locked eyes with Sirius. My deep brown eyes stared into his stormy grey ones, and that's when I knew. I knew I could trust Sirius, no matter what. _'I want to be in Gryffindor.'_

_'Are you absolutely sure? You can't change your mind, you know.'_

_'I'm sure.'_

_'Alright then...'_ "GRYFFINDOR!" The Hat shouted, as the Gryffindor table erupted into cheers.

I walked down to their table and sat next to Sirius.

"Isabelle?"

"Yes, Sirius?" I expected he wanted to know what had taken so long. I turned to look at him, and that's when I noticed his expression. His face was white, and he looked petrified.

"Your father..."

"My father..." I repeated, my eyes growing wide. I turned away, the shock of what I had just done and what it meant sinking in. As I did, I noticed Amelia staring at me from the Slytherin table across the Great Hall.

The only other person I'd ever seen look that furious in my life... was my father.

I mumbled something about using the loo, and ran for it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains a description of a panic attack, i don't know if that could be potentially triggering for anyone but i thought i'd warn you just in case.

I burst out into the hallway and ran as if my life depended on it, though, in a sense, it did. I ran and ran, not caring where I was or where I was going or how I was going to get back- oh merlin, I was going to have to go _back_ \- I could feel the panic taking over my body and the fear- oh merlin the fear- so. much. fear- it was eating me up so I ran and ignored the footsteps behind me and the shouts and "ISABELLE! WAIT!" and- oh merlin isabelle what have you done now they're going to knowtheyregoingtoknowtheyregoingtoknowisabellewhathaveyou-

So I ran.

And somehow I found myself in a tower pushing myself up against the wall and the sobs racking my body- so many tears running down my face and soaking my shirt and sirius's shir-

"Sirius?"

ohmerlinsiriusisherehesherehesgoingto _know_ -

"Isabelle, shh.."

hesherehesHEREOHMERLINNO-

"Sirius!" I pushed myself away from him trying to get away- away from here from him oh merlin from _him_ \- why is he here?! He can't know oh merlin he can't he bloody _can't_ oh bloody _hell_ \- he can't bloody know he's going to want explanations and stories and whyandwordsandicant- I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can ever do it. I can't-

I gave up and sobbed into his shirt, his shirt that was already soaked from my tears- from _me_ \- oh merlin how long had he been here, how long had _I_ been here?!

My sobs grew quieter and quieter as I fought for control of myself. Eventually the tears stopped altogether.

"Isabelle?" Sirius said, his voice soft, stroking my tear-soaked hair away from my face. I don't think I'd ever seen him so gentle before. "What- what happened? I'm sorry- I'm sorry I said that, I didn't think you'd flip out like that-"

"Of course you didn't." I interrupted, sitting up. "How could you? You have no idea..." I trailed off, not knowing how to continue.

"About what?"

I really, _really_ didn't want to tell him, but at the same time, I did. I looked into his stormy eyes, full of concern. I felt it again, that deep feeling of absolute _trust_ , and knew that I could tell him. I could tell him, he would accept it, would still be my friend.

"It's a long story."

"I've got time." He pulled me back into him, leaning against the wall, getting comfortable.

"You can't tell _anyone._ "

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

"It started a long time ago... when I was six. When- when mum died..." I began. Realizing something, I turned to face him. "Did I ever tell you how she died?"

"No."

"Well, she was experimenting again, with potions. I was in the lab with her. She added something to the potion, and whatever it was, it must've been bad, because the next thing I knew, the potion had exploded. There was purple everywhere. I had a bit on me, but mum was absolutely _covered_. She- she died instantly. I didn't die, obviously, but I got really bad seizures. My dad found us like that, how long after I don't know. He cleaned up the potion and stopped the seizures. I was mostly fine, although there were some... side effects."

"Wow. I... I'm s-"

"Don't Sirius. I don't want apologies, you had nothing to do with it." I _hated_ when people got all sympathetic. It's been seven bloody years, for merlin's sake!

"So... side effects? Am I safe to assume this is one of them?" He asked.

"Yeah, the panic attacks, and I get seizures sometimes, but rarely. Months go by between them, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have one all year."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

After a pause, I looked up at Sirius, wondering what he was thinking. "Are you... are you okay..."

"Of course I'm okay with it! Why wouldn't I be?" He answered.

"Are you sure? I- I understand if you don't want to be friends any-"

"Bloody hell, Milani! When are you going to get it through your head that I'm perfectly fine with all of this? You're my best friend! Why would I want to end that?"

"Because... because I wouldn't want to be friends with myself either, knowing I could break down any second..."

"And I'll be there to pick up the pieces, Isabelle. You can count on that."


	6. Chapter 6

The second I opened my eyes the next morning, I was sobbing. All I dreamed about was my dad finding out, and what he'd do to me. The least of which was him ignoring me for the rest of my life, and the worst... I didn't want to even think about it.

As my sobs subsided, I heard another girl getting up and waking the others. I quickly tried to dry my tears, in case she came to wake me. My bed curtains opened a bit on the left, and a perky redhead peeked through.

"Time to- Oh!" she exclaimed. I guess I hadn't done a good enough job of hiding my tears. She immediately came in and closed the curtains, sitting next to me on the bed. "What's wrong? Are you homesick?"

"No, I-" I broke down in tears again. What in Merlin's name was wrong with me?! I'd cried more in the last twenty-four hours than I had in years. The redhead pulled me into a hug.

"Shhhh, it will be okay." she said quietly. The girl held me as I cried for a while. "What's wrong?" she asked as my sobs calmed down.

"I just- are you pureblood?" I asked, still sniffling.

"No." She asked, confused.

"Then you wouldn't know. I am, and my whole family has been in Slytherin, except my mom, and that's only because she went to Beaubaxtons, and they don't have houses. And now-" I faltered.

"And now you've been sorted into Gryffindor, and you know your parents won't be happy?" She finished.

"Yes. Well, my dad won't, my mom's dead."

"Oh.. sorry."

"It's alright, it was a while ago." I wiped my eyes and sat up. "Sorry for crying all over you, and you don't even know my name! I'm Isabelle Milani."

"Lily Evans, and don't worry about it." She smiled. "Do you go by Belle?"

I thought about it. Usually, no, but that's only because purebloods always insisted they be known by their given name, and not nicknames. But now I had left my old ways behind, why not my name as well? "Yes, you can call me that." I replied, smiling.

"Well, we better get up and dressed, it's nearly seven-thirty, breakfast ends in about an hour!" She exclaimed, glancing at her watch.

"Pretty watch." I commented. And it was: the band was a sky blue with black silhouettes of birds in flight painted on it. There were rhinestones surrounding the clock-face, and the hands of the clock were silver.

Lily's smile faltered as she looked down at it.

"Th- thank you." She replied softly. "My sister gave it to me for my birthday." I was dying to ask about her sister, I'd always wanted siblings and was curious what it would be like having them, but I could tell from her voice that it was a touchy subject. Lily sat still for a moment, lost in thought, then looked up at me, the bright smile again adorning her face. "Well, best be getting out of bed, we won't want to be late on our first day!" And with that, she jumped up and slipped out the curtains in the direction of her own bed.

I climbed out of the covers and noticed my trunk sitting at the foot of the bed. I grabbed out my robes and quickly got dressed before heading off for the bathroom.

When I got out of the bathroom and put my things away, Lily was waiting on her bed for me. "The other girls already went down for breakfast. They're saving seats for us."

"Okay." I replied, packing my school bag and hoisting it up onto my shoulder. "Thanks for waiting for me."

"No problem." She smiled warmly and opened the door. "I didn't want you to have to go down alone, and I figured you probably wouldn't know the way anyway, since I'm assuming you didn't get here from the Great Hall."

"Oh. No, I didn't." My smile faltered. I was hoping everyone would have forgotten about that.

"Where did you go anyway?" She asked curiously.

"I- um-" I wasn't sure what to say. Should I tell the truth? It would be nice to have a girl knowing in case I got another attack, or Merlin forbid a seizure, somewhere Sirius couldn't be. _'But you've only just met this girl!_ 'my brain argued. True, I had only just met her, but she did let me cry all over her, the least I could do was tell her what had happened. Besides, if I happened to get an attack in the dorm the girls would all freak out. Lily knowing could be helpful. "Can you keep a secret?" I asked tentatively.

"Of course." She smiled, but I knew she was serious.

"I- I get panic attacks. Really bad ones, not just 'Oops I didn't study for the test! I might fail!'. Mine are really horrible gut-wrenching panic, and I have trouble controlling myself." I explained nervously. "That's- that's what happened last night. I panicked and bolted to a tower somewhere."

"Oh." She paused for a moment, thinking. "That black-haired boy, the one that ran out after you, is he your friend? Did he know, is that why he followed you?" Lily asked. She didn't seem too spooked, so I took the questions as a good sign.

"His name is Sirius Black, and yes, he's my friend. We've known each other since we were babies, all the purebloods know each other and most are related in some way. He didn't know before, but he does now. He's- he's in the same position as me."

"Oh, like his family's Slytherin but he was sorted into Gryffindor?" We're nearing the Great Hall now. I stop Lily before she can walk in. I need to tell her about the seizures.

"Yes. Listen, Lily, I need to tell you something else. Another secret."

"Okay. Shoot." She replies, turning towards me.

I paused, not sure how to start. "I get seizures sometimes, though not more than one or two a year. I haven't had one in months, and I probably won't get one anytime soon. I'm telling you this just in case I get one, so you'll know what it is and can go get Madam Pomfrey, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay. Does Sirius know about this too?"

"Yes. It probably won't happen, but I wanted you to know just in case."

She smiled. "Thanks for telling me, I promise I won't tell anyone. One more question though, what should I do if you get a panic attack?"

I thought. Usually when I got one at home I'd just go hide. There was no one else around but the house-elves, as daddy was usually locked in his office or out on calls all day. "Get Sirius." I decided.

"Alright." Lily said, starting to turn towards the Great Hall. She paused for a minute, and then turned back and wrapped her arms around me. I stiffened. I couldn't fathom why this girl I'd just met was hugging me. When she didn't let go, I slowly relaxed. Honestly, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been hugged. Maybe it was a Muggle thing?

She eventually let go. "Let's go get some breakfast. The other girls are just dying to meet you!" She turned and trotted off through the doors, with me right behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was reworked several times and i'm still so frstrated over this chapter like?? it's been over a yr??? get over it marley??? like for plot reasons lily needs to know at some point but at the sme time i feel like it's rly out of character for belle to say anything. idk. maybe i'll rewrite it yet again. who knows.


	7. Chapter 7

As I entered the Great Hall, the loud chatter quieted somewhat and I felt hundreds of eyes shift to me. I slowed for a second, but Lily had my hand and was pulling me towards the Gryffindor table, not noticing that nearly everyone in the room was looking right at me. I felt the familiar sensation of fear pooling in my stomach, but I put my chin up and tried my hardest to not let it get to me. I soon found myself in front of the other first year Gryffindors.

“Isabelle!” Sirius’s voice called. I turned and saw him sitting near the end of the table, in between James and a first-year girl. I immediately forgot the people staring at me and sat down in the empty space next to him. The girl shuffled over and Lily plonked down next to me.

“Hey Sirius.” I smiled at him.

“How did you sleep?” He asked.

“Oh fine.” I replied. He frowned at me.

“Are you sure?” He asked. “After last ni-“

“ _Yes._ ” I interrupted, hoping he’d get the message not to push it. While both people I’d told seemed to not have a problem with it, I certainly wasn’t ready to let the whole world know about my- _condition._

Lily poked me in the side. “Don’t you want to meet our dormmates, Belle?” She asked.

 _“Belle?”_ Sirius hissed in my ear.

 _“Later.”_ I whispered back. “Yes, of course.” I said to Lily, smiling.

“Okay. This is Madeline.” Lily said, pointing to a shy looking girl with long brown hair. “This is Marlene.” She had shoulder-length black hair and wild eyes. “And this is Alice. “The girl next to her, who was friendly-looking and had dirty blonde hair. They all smiled and waved when introduced. “Girls, this is Belle.” I smiled in return.

Alice leaned forward to see around Lily. “Were you okay last night?” she asked quietly. I could see she was genuinely concerned, but I wasn’t about to share my secrets with a table full of people I’d never met.

“Oh, nothing, I just um- had to use the loo.” I laughed awkwardly. Lily poked her in the side too and gave her a look.

“Oh- okay. Sorry. I was just worried.” She looked guilty and went back to her food. I sighed. I should’ve expected questions, but I hated having to come up with excuses.

I looked down at my plate and noticed it had been filled while I was being introduced. I picked up my fork and happily began digging into the waffles and eggs. Sirius leaned over. “You’re welcome.”

“Thanks.” I smiled. “Now aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” I asked, having noticed the other boys across the table.

“Oh. Yeah. You’ve met James.” He gestured with his elbow to the boy next to him. “That’s Remus.” Sirius pointed his fork at the shy, sandy-haired boy across from him, who seemed to be covered in scars. “And that’s Peter.” The fork moved to a short, nervous-looking blonde boy.

“For goodness sake’s Sirius, don’t point your fork at everybody! You’ll take someone’s eye out!”

“Okay, _mother.”_ Sirius humphed, digging into his food again. Soon, breakfast was finished and we all trooped out the Great Hall towards Charms.

\- - -

As it turned out, the first-year Gryffindors had Charms with the Slytherins. Amanda glared at me through half the class, and I tried and failed to ignore her and focus on Flitwick’s lecture. Halfway through, Sirius caught me looking at her and elbowed me, giving me a concerned look, but I brushed him off.

A piece of paper slid across the table toward me. _Are you okay?_

I sent a note back: _I’m fine. Stop worrying so much._

_Okay, but if you want to talk later let me know._

\- - -

“Hey, Isabelle? Can we talk?”

I was walking out of charms with Sirius and Lily when Amelia caught up to me. “I- I guess.” I glanced at Sirius, who looked worried. “ _I’ll be fine.”_ I hissed. Merlin, why was everyone so concerned about me??

Amelia and I walked off to the side. “Amelia, I-“

“Don’t give me your bloody excuses, Isabelle.” She hissed, interrupting me. Her eyes bored into me. “I don’t know why the bloody hell you were sorted into bloody _Gryffindor_ of all houses, but I don’t really care either. I just want you to know that I _will_ be letting your father know about this.”

I felt the panic rising up in me again. The events of the morning had totally driven my father out of my mind, but Amelia’s words brought him back in full force. I fought to keep it down.

“ _Please,_ Amelia, just let me tell him myself. It’l be worse if he hears it from you.”

 _“Good._ You deserve whatever he sees fit to punish you with, _blood-traitor.”_ My breathing got faster, I was starting to spiral, this was bad _this was so bad-_

“Okay, Amelia, that’s enough.” Oh thank _merlin_ , Sirius had bloody perfect timing.

“Wait!” Amelia called, but Sirius was already pulling me away from her. He tugged me into an empty classroom and shut the door.

I immediately collapsed to the floor and rested my head on my knees, trying to calm my breathing. Sirius dropped down beside me and put his arm around me. “Deep breaths, Isabelle. It’s okay, you’re away from her now.” I leaned into him as I struggled to regain control of myself.

“Thanks.” I whispered, once I had calmed down enough to speak.

“That’s what friends are for.” I could hear the concern in his voice. “Do you want to sit here a little more or are you ready to go back out? We have a free period now so there’s no rush.”

I sniffled and looked up at him. “I’d rather stay here, if that’s alright.”

He smiled and hugged me closer. “Of course.” There was a pause, and then, “Why did Lily call you Belle?”

I shrugged. “She asked and I figured, might as well. I’ve apparently decided to throw out pretty much everything else I’ve been taught, why not this too?”

He laughed. “Well, I like it. I was just surprised.”

“You need a nickname too!” I decided. “But what can you shorten Sirius to?”

He shrugged and flipped his hair back. I hadn’t noticed until now, but it had gotten really long. “Siri?”

“Siri. I like it.” I smiled. “New names to go with new lives. Also, you need a haircut.”

He frowned. “No I bloody don’t. I like it long. Haven’t you heard? It’s in fashion for Muggles. I’ll be all the rage in London. Besides, my mother hated it long. Anything that brasses her off is fine by me.”

I laughed. “I think I’m ready to go now.”

“Alright.” He stood up and pulled me up with him. “Common room then? I’m betting that’s where the others are.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was a nearly year-long gap b/t writing this chapter & chapter 6, so you can see the quality of writing has improved somewhat.
> 
> also i actually do have a time table drawn up for the first-years bc if i didn't i'd get myself horridly confused on the timeline and what classes they have when and such, and if y'all are interested in seeing it i could stick it somewhere and put a link.


End file.
